Tonight.

“I gotta live with the choices I made,

& I can’t live with myself today.”

 

 

Sometimes, I am so disappointed in myself.

March 21st changed my life.

March 21st, 2010, chqnged my life forever.

That was the first Sunday i ever went to Westwinds Community Church.

I look back upon that, and see how God has used this fantastic place to completely change my life…. and I stand in awe and amazement at his ways. How one visit could make me fall in love with a place of worship. How one tweet has given me a family. How an entire community of people has surrounded me with love and security.

All because Josie asked me to go with her to church, and I said yes.

My favorite quote is Soli Deo Gloria, May All the Glory be to God.  That’s my life’s quote, because everything good in my life that I have been blessed with, or anything I may be able to do to show God’s love to anyone else is a direct reflection of God’s grace, mercy, and love.

Through Westwinds, God has given me something I never thought I would have… he has given me a family. I, Tori Saylor, have a family that wants me and loves me. I still cry tears of pure happiness and joy every time I take a moment to think about it. I spent months thinking I was worthless, and that nobody wanted me… and the Redmonds are changing every thought I ever had of my worth. This couldn’t have been an easy decision for them, opening their home and family to a girl they had not known for very long, but I will spend the rest of my life in gratitude to them for saving my life. Ben and Patti are parents to me, and Kayla and Ethan are my little brother and sister, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. They are amazing people.

 

Westwinds is amazing. Fantastic. Seriously, it is my home, and I am in love with it.

 

Thank you, Jesus, for March 21st.

2010

I made awful decisions, I lost myself, hated myself, then found myself, found God, fell in love, fell out of it, LITed, found my church home, lost my home, lost my family, was baptized, & was at my lowest… then a family stepped in, literally saved my life, and gave me hope.

I have hope.

Thank you to everyone who has helped (and occasionally, dragged) me through 2010.

I am so excited for 2011.

Miracles.

Miracles come in many forms…

…mine comes in a family.

I am so unbelievebly, undeservingly blessed.

Wish you were here.

   Relationships are tricky. You can’t let them be everything, but you have to make them important. When you lose friendships, it’s hard. I lost my friendship with one of my best friends about a month ago… he is such a great person, we just couldn’t be friends after words were exchanged and frusterations were expressed.

   Which really made me think… we need to value friendships while we have them. Nothing is permanent. Enjoy people. Don’t let the little things matter. Friendships are amazing. And what do you do once they’re gone? Remember the good times. Because I will always remember him as he was then. People change, appreciate them for who they are while you have them. This entire experience has taught me to appreciate my friendhips and relationships more.

Baptism.

“…So I said to the Lord, “You promised me, that if I followed You, You would walk with me always. But I’ve noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there were only one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed You most, were You not there for me?” The Lord replied, “Oh my daughter, the times you only saw one set of footprints were the times I carried you.”

Jesus carries me.

I haven’t made it easy for him. I have pushed him away from me, I have tried to hide from him and his grace, tried to openly reject the love he has poured upon his children. Yet, he carries me through all of that. He sees me through my darkest hours and rejoices with me every time i recognize something beautiful in life.

I am getting baptized tomorrow.

The journey here has been an interesting one. I took a lot of detours, a lot of back roads, and a lot of wrong turns… then I handed over the driver’s seat to my best friend, and here I am. People think it’s odd when I call Jesus my best friend, but really, that’s what he is to me. He listens to everything I have to say, sees every one of my tears, calms me when i am shaken by my ever present fear.

I am not trying to make it sound like I have it all down now that I am getting baptized. I am far from it. I just know that I want to live for my King forever… and that’s all that matters. I know I am not going to be perfect, and I know it doesn’t make anything easier. It just showcases a decision that I made fully in my heart three weeks ago.

Now, I want to clarify. I have had several people approach me and question my faith these past couple years. Here’s my answer. I believed Jesus died on the cross for me. I asked him into my heart. I was a Christian. I worked as an LIT fully understanding it all. The difference now is that I am not going to be a Christian whenever it is convienant to me. Rain or shine, I am 100% in this for life. I don’t just want to believe in Jesus, I want to live my life for him and have my actions and words taken over by him. I want my life to be a showcase of his undying passion and love for others.

Big words, I know. Big follow though is what is needed, and what will happen.

Westwinds and Student Journey have played such big roles in this. My faith was revived eight months ago when I went to Westwinds for the first time. I felt at home. SJ has been a rock for me these past couple months, and the crazy part is, they didn’t even get a chance to know the regular me. I have been broken ever since I walked through those doors, yet the accept me and love me anyways. At first I felt guilt, and considered pretending everything was back to normal and fine, but then I realized that I don’t have to do that there. I can be real, even if that real is sad, broken, and ugly, and still have people love me. I have never had that community before, and it is not something I am ever planning on giving up. I thank God for bringing Westwinds, Student Journey, and the people within them into my life.

I am so blessed.

Tori

& Yet You Remain…

My life is summed up into two songs,

Hammers and Strings & Orphans by Jack’s Mannequin.

Listened to them yet? I hope you have, for if you have, you know my heart.

I have done everything i could to avoid this. I have fought to avoid it, to push past and around it, and tried dealing with it in the wrong ways, but now I have no choice but to say I am broken. Yes, I am broken. I can no longer rely on myself in the least but must rely on a strength not my own or I will not make it through. I have no use or worth on my own. He who bore the nails must give me worth, give me meaning. The path I am on is not easy, it is the most difficult thing I will ever do, but I will pick up my cross and carry it, for the burden is so much less than he who preceeded me, He who wore the weight of the world’s sin on his shoulders. I must look to him to find what i need. I must rely fully upon him… and cast my burdens upon him.

If you could understand what I am, who I am, where I am, maybe you could know, maybe you could see…

The floodgates have opened and I am overwhelmed with everything I have stored away and pent up, claiming I will process it later. Later is now, and there’s too much to handle.

“I’m on my knees, father will you turn to me?”